I found a new blog to love earlier this week. It’s called Baby Rabies, and it’s written by Jill, a woman who is smart, funny, irreverent and cute to boot.
This site came to my attention because Jill was embroiled in a controversy. She wrote a post about letting her child cry herself to sleep. The title of the post was “Watch Me Break Mommy Blogger Commandment #1” and it started off with a “boy am I going to get in trouble for this” tone.
As I read it, I was confused. I didn’t think there was anything in her post that was particularly controversial. Much ado about nothing, I thought. Maybe just an attempt to stir up controversy and get some hits. But lo and behold, as I read the comments, and the responses on her Facebook page, I saw the negative comments come rolling in. She’s a bad mom, her kids will be scarred for life, blah blah judgy judge blah.
Sweet “probably crying it out because he was trying to get some sleep in a cold barn” Jesus.
I’m not going to go into the whole “let’s stop judging each other” conversation. I’ve made it pretty clear where I stand on judgmental women. To sum it up: Motherhood sucks a big one, so let’s start giving each other support instead of knocking each other down.
I’d rather discuss specific ways to make it stop. I think as long as there are insecure women, there will be women who think judging others will make them feel better. What can we do? I know what helps me. I have a group of real-life friends and a private online network of women with whom I can share anything. We say stuff to each other and nobody freaks out and we laugh, cry or bitch together. Is that the secret? Is it as simple as feeling comfortable enough, safe enough, to say scary things out loud?
Maybe it’s seeing other people say the scary things and then seeing them live through the aftermath. Maybe every time a Baby Rabies-style post goes up, another crack appears in the Wall of Meanness.
So maybe it’s up to those of us who do have support, and who are strong in our choices, to put it out there a little more often. So in that spirit, here I go.
Amy’s List Of Things She Does That Will Make You Really Mad
- I let my kids cry it out. When they were infants. After only a few weeks of sleep deprivation, I had lost my ever-loving mind. So I put the boys in their crib, shut the door, turned off the baby monitor, and I slept. Now, I never ignored a screaming baby who was obviously in distress or pain or hungry. But a screaming baby who just wanted my attention or wanted to be entertained at 1AM was just going to have to deal. And guess what? Both my boys were sleeping through the night, for at least eight hours straight, at only six weeks old. So neener neener neener.
- No infant ever slept in my bed. We had a three bedroom house, so those lucky ducks had their own room and their own bed. They didn’t need mine. These days, the boys do beg to sleep with me, but co-sleeping is by invitation only and is usually a reward.
- Jack slept on his back, but Finn never would, so I put him down to sleep on his tummy every single time.
- I breastfed, but only barely. I breastfed Jack for about four months I think. I only breastfed Finn for two weeks. After that, it was formula in a bottle for them. And you want to know what else? The whole time I was breastfeeding, I hated every single second of it with a passion. In fact, I still sometimes have nightmares about breastfeeding.
- I never wore my babies anywhere. I was given a BabyBjörn before I had Jack, and I was all excited to use it. I got it rigged up one day, put him in it and started to head out the door. Then I passed a mirror. That contraption spread my big huge boobs out to the side and made me look like I had two moons orbiting my fat hips. No way was I going out in public looking like that. With Finn, I tried one of those slings. I never could figure out how to wrap it. I could spend 20 minutes trying to get us both swaddled, or I could spend 5 seconds picking him up and perching him on my hip. Or two minutes strapping him a stroller. I’m not big on wasting time.
- I gave both boys rice cereal at about three months.
- I turned both their car seats facing forward when they turned one.
- I barely childproofed my house. I think I may have put something on the pantry door to stop the kids from opening it, but that was just because I didn’t want them spilling the Cheerios.
- I’ve never boycotted Nestlé.
- I tell my kids “no” all the time. I love doing it. I like the word “no” more than toddlers do. I consider it part of my job description to deny my children on a regular basis.
- I have given my children Benadryl before a flight to make them chill out. And remember when the FDA said we shouldn’t give cold medicine to kids under six anymore? Yeah, I still kept giving it to them.
- I sent the kids to daycare at a very young age. Even when I was just working from home.
- I vaccinate my children. I don’t space them out. And I never researched what was in the shots.
- I have popped a backside and grabbed an arm — hard — on more than one occasion.
- I feed my kids preservatives and sugar and processed and non-organic food. I do it in semi-moderation, but I still do it.
- I don’t pay the least bit of attention to product recalls.
- The boys watch a lot of TV. I don’t let them have it on as background noise, and I do demand screen-free time on a regular basis, but they still watch a ton of TV.
- I give them my iPad at restaurants so they’ll quit yelling and not act like loons in public.
- I am not on the PTA. And if you ask me to volunteer for stuff one too many times, I will flag your email as spam.
- I rarely take the boys to the doctor. I can’t be bothered to call for an appointment and waste time and money at the doctor for sniffles, sneezes, coughs and tummy aches. They’ll live through it.
- I don’t worry about cleanliness or germs. Eating off the floor, wallowing in the dirt, forgetting to wash your hands — meh.
- Sometimes the boys play outside while I’m not watching.
- I like Gwyneth Paltrow and I subscribe to the goop newsletter.
- I put my needs before my kids’ needs the vast majority of the time. I believe in taking care of myself before taking care of others. Sure, I do what I have to do. Would I rather sit down and read a book instead of helping Jack with his homework? Of course, but I still help with his homework, even though it’s torture. Because raising children has some baseline standards that must be met. But I’m no over-achiever.
No related posts.
I shall now amen you. Amen.
I love you. And your tv-watching, preservative-eating, dance-party-throwing kids.
I’m just a gestater at this point, but I’ve already done a ton of stuff that will apparently screw my babies up for life. Mostly food-related, like continuing to drink coffee in the mornings, eating lunch meat, and refusing to ask waiters in restaurants if the cheese is in fact pasteurized. And I’m probably poisoning them with my non-organic beauty products and insistence on still painting my toenails. And when they get here? You bet we’re sleep training these two. Because I really don’t want to be constantly holding one or the other and constantly feeding one or the other. They’re gonna have to get on the same schedule.
Don’t even get me started on all the horrible things I did to my children while they were in the womb. That’s another post entirely.
I wanted my body back after I had Marley. I also wanted to have my sanity back, but that’s another story entirely. I thank you for talking about the breast-feeding thing cause I *still* encounter evil women who will say it’s my fault if she encounters one bit of strife because I didn’t let her be a leech-baby outside the belly after she spent nine months being a leech-baby inside the belly.
But I’m not bitter
PS… I love Benadryl too.
I think her Clear American addiction is a result of your not having breastfed.
I won’t give you hell and anyone that does…well…I’m more inclined to give them hell.
These debates are stupid. I generally don’t care about your kids (you being a general you) or how you parent them. Don’t get me wrong, I care in a love all mankind, stop at the stop sign at the busy cross walk and don’t shove the elderly and small kids out of the way in a fire. But if its your house, it’s your rules. I don’t want other people’s input on my parenting so why should I feel entitled to impose my philosophies on you?
Unless you are doing something illegal or immoral, its really not anyone’s business.
and I am laughing my ass off at this: I tell my kids “no” all the time. I love doing it. I like the word “no” more than toddlers do. I consider it part of my job description to deny my children on a regular basis.
I love you for this post.. I classify you as a normal mommy, just like me.
thank you thank you THANK YOU.
DUDE! I think I’ve done every single one of those things. I only breastfeed Ellie for 3 weeks and HATED IT. My favorite babycarrier was her stroller! I could go on and on. I needed this today. Thank you!
Oh, Amy. You are so balls-to-the-wall frank and funny. Love you for it. I did a lot of those things and–from the perspective of a *slightly* older mother, I can tell you, they’re turning out great. I’ve got a med school student, a grad student who thinks Renaissance religious paintings in tempera is the coolest thing since sliced bread, and an engineering major. All good-hearted kids, ready some day to give me a batch of good-hearted grandkids!
I know I have done several of those things and not felt bad about most of them. I always say that my main goal is to thwart my kids happiness as much as possible. I am only kidding about 50% of the time.
And for these reasons, I adore you!
Andrea
AMY how is that we have never ever met…I think I LOVE YOU…TRULY.
I am subscribing right now!!!! and “AMEN”
I have never loved you more.
You forgot to mention the exact date and age you turned your children
from rear-facing to forward in their carseats!!
I agree word for word with the comment from Kelly above! And,
honestly, I think just ‘owning’ what you do as a parent is part of the
problem. Imma OWN some of it here, but perhaps a whole post of my own
is necessary b/c I do have young kids and sometimes I do want to say
it out loud! I like to breastfeed – It’s easy for me and I’m too lazy
to make and clean bottles. I like to sling/wear my babies – because I
hate lugging around strollers and carseats WITH A PASSION… and I
know that my babies will be quiet in there (who doesn’t love a quiet
baby in public?). I like co-sleeping and bedsharing – it doesn’t
bother me one bit to have my babies in our room or in bed with me/us.
I also spank and say ‘no’ often (one of my favorite things to do!)
and feed my child massive amounts of crap food and play video games
with him for hours and expect my husband do a lot of work both around
the house and with diaper-changing and other disgusting child-related
tasks. Yep. After writing it all out, still feel pretty
comfortable/confident about all of it. And why does it always seem
the battles are mostly about young kids/babies/toddlers? Cause
teenage/older years? Those are the ones that scare me!
Love the post.
You’re doing something right, because your baby is awesome.
Excellent post!
Also, I now think I need to write a post where I say “neener, neener, neener”. And I promise to give you credit.
I love this post and I love you!! You know how people are all judgy against cry it out? Well I posted about co-sleeping and those judges came out too! People all of a sudden were all concerned about my apparent lack of sex life (3 kids in 5 years of marraige, um yeah right) and blah blah. Apparently being a breastfeeding, babywearing mama makes me just as crazy psycho as you. In fact, I get SO much crap for co sleeping. It’s ridiculous!
Whatever.
And you better believe my kids eat GMOs, Kraft Mac & Cheese and McDonald’s chicken nuggets. They are healthy and not even close to overweight. My kids do not sleep through the night till around 14 months. SO WHAT.
LOVE YOU FOR THIS!! Oh you rock my world Amy.
I had my kids OUT of the hospital, even had one on the internet, live.
I wear them, breast feed them with my boob hanging out everywhere I go. I cloth diaper, delay vaccinations, avoid processed food like the plague. We don’t cry it out here, we do cosleep when needed. Oh and I grow my own food and my chickens give us three eggs every morning.
To me those things are what is “BEST” for my own family. I am so the opposite of almost everything on your list, but I am not mad at all. What is right for me is not necessarily what is right for someone else and that is cool.
Do I believe in and advocate for the things I am passionate about? Hell ya! But I wont be stoning anyone to death for not choosing my way and I’d appreciate the same respect and understanding form others.
Love the line about it is my duty as a Mum to say No and deny my children – YES!
Well put – I’m with you on most of yours, and for those I’m not with you on? … that’s fine too
Live and let live!
You know, I could just kiss you. Full on Frenching.
I tried to be that woman. Amy, I tried. That Mom who did things she thought she was supposed to do so she wouldn’t be judged.
I hated every minute of it.
Breastfeeding? I enjoyed, for me it was easy. However I never boycotted Nestle and used them when I had to stop breastfeeding due to surgery. I wish I HAD let Peanut cry it out some nights. Hell, a lot of nights. He being the one that didn’t sleep through the night until he was 3 and residing in my bed just so I could get some rest.
I might have every Goop newsletter ever published, because, well, I love it.
I love my son and I wouldn’t change a thing in the world about him, but I would change things about me had I known what I know now.
I WISH to the Gods I had been a sleep nazi and NON-co-sleeper because none of my kids flipping sleep – like EVER! I haven’t slept in a decade!
Give ‘em to me — I’ll train them!
This is why I love you! I do or have done most of these things as well. Including subscribing to goop. : )
Being a mom to only pets, I can’t say how I would raise children. I have a feeling, though, that I’d follow your rules to the letter. A little healthy neglect is a good thing.
We may not agree on all things Paula Deen, but our parenting philosophies are remarkably similar. Going through your list, I mentally checked everything that we do or have done with our son. There were only 3 differences. I’ve never given Benadryl on a plane, but that’s only because he hasn’t flown yet. I haven’t swatted his butt, but that’s mostly for personal reasons I’d share in person. I sure don’t judge you for it. And finally, I don’t subscribe to Paltrow’s newsletter. Other than that, the rest is the same.
Dude, you should totally subscribe to goop. You’d love her fashion tips.
I’ll never understand why we have to judge other moms so harshly. It’s not a competition. Every child is different, every circumstance is different and every parent is different. There is not a mom out there who is perfect, it just isn’t possible.
oh yeah girl! preach it!
I want to be your best friend. No kidding. Why can’t I find other moms like you? I feel like I’m judged on a daily basis. I’m so freaking over it. I celebrate you and your mommy ways.
Shake off the haters, babe.
I agree with EVERY SINGLE ONE of those items on your list! Did/still do all of them!